![]() I kept my therapist’s words with me though. He was my soulmate and I would now be eternally damned because we were disconnected, keeping each other away from one another. I knew other people had figured it out but I cataloged it as “not for me”. The thought of something loving, gentle, and wonderful again after so much torture and heartbreak felt totally foreign. I knew deep down it needed to end but I couldn’t let it go and I caused him a lot of pain in that process too. I put up with 6+ months of poor treatment longer than I should have. Our relationship ended in terrible flames. Why was it that simple? Of course, that’s what it was. ![]() “Ok, well, let me know when you’d like to come back in. She says a few more things - she doesn’t leave me there but I’m (probably quite visibly) still nailed. “Yes, I do hear the words you’re saying (staring out the window and avoiding her gaze) and I know they make sense but I just don’t really want to hear that right now.” “Ok well… you know we’re meant to have multiple deep connections in our life, right?” I’ve slept with other people and have been vulnerable since him.” (Lies) I didn’t want the conversation to take this direction. My ego brain kept grasping for footing, to regain control. Nailed to the coffin of this far-past -expiration-date-breakup. Hour-long subway rides were consumed by these thoughts and fantasies. Couldn’t everyone see I was his purpose for existing, I was the only meaningful part of his life? Maybe then I’d finally be able to tell him what to do, control him, have leverage. I pictured introducing him to everyone new in my life, that he’d be so happy I took him back. What it would be like to reunite, reconnect, set new boundaries, create a new relationship over again. “I bet if I tell him to get on a plane and book a hotel he’d come in a heartbeat.” I played out that fantasy for a while. Replayed what-ifs, recalled old memories. I tried to find out information and often found out things I did not want to know. I couldn’t stop myself from googling him or reading his blog. I did everything they recommended: deleted all my social media and traces of him, disconnected from shared friends, for the time being, all to the best of my ability but it wasn’t possible to erase him completely. There wasn’t a single day he didn’t cross my mind. ![]() We had a painful 4 months of hanging on until the bitter end, ending our year and a half long relationship. I hired my therapist 8 months after my ex and I finally broke up.
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